Classics Revisited: Literary Limericks

East of Eden
When your father has dubious means,
And you’re not too sure of your own genes,
Your mom is a witch,
And you’re a snitch,
You can’t buy anyone’s love with beans.

Pride and Prejudice
Hearing the truth quite often hurts one,
But ignorance is even less fun.
Darcy and Bennett
Might take a minute
To figure out just who they should shun.

The Brothers Karamazov
Fyodor Pavlovich was some kind of a jerk.
His three (or four?) sons each a unique piece of work.
Grushenka lived loud.
Katya was proud.
Priests rot, but in the loud dark, both death and hope lurk.

The Power and the Glory
Everyone’s sin is a nonstarter.
Church on the lam; wine on barter.
You shouldn’t get drunk
When you’re the lone monk,
For conscience will make you a martyr.

Les Misérables
Said Hugo, “No one can write bluer,
But ev’ry injustice I’ll skewer.
Valjean’s the hero;
All others zero.
Wait! I forgot about the sewer.”


Image credit: Émile Bayard engraving for 1886 edition of Les Misérables. Public Domain.


In the days of the glorious smartphone,
Dearly beloved by every heart known.
To make a sole call
Fills me with gall.
From my brain has every good part flown.

The most terrible things about books
Are the awfully puzzled, cruel looks
You get from afar
As you sit in your car,
Reading and read-ending schnooks.*

As you serve up an order of ribs,
All who can smell will shout “Dibs!”
The aroma of smoke,
Draws every near bloke,
To sit down and don their cheap bibs.

Writing your poem as a Limerick
Is like building a home with slimmer brick.
The whole thing may rhyme,
And keep perfect time,
But everyone knows it’s a Gimmerick.

*No books, cars, or drivers where harmed in inspiring this drivel.